Can't Pass It By

     There is a big, beautiful, full moon out there shining brightly! No long post today. How can one sit in front of a monitor when there is such a sight waiting just outside?! Until tomorrow....

With What I See

     There are moments. They are often. These moments come at easy times when I am comfortable, complacent really. They also come when I am so uncomfortable it is as though my inside is trying to burst from beneath my skin out into the open air. I never think of them when they arrive, but rather much afterwards. They are the moments when I doubt of God.
     I say 'doubt of God' because to doubt in God is to deny He is indeed God. The doubt of Him is to question His movement, to question His understanding of my needs, to question that He really knows what is best for me, and intends to allow it to happen.
     The first reason for my doubting is: I can not touch God. He had no physical body. I can not feel the warmth from the palm of His hand on my face. I do not feel the softness of His embrace as He comforts me in my weakness.
     Another, I do not hear God in the most verbal sense. His voice does not penetrate my ears like that of  my child's song or so much as the wind in the leaves. He does not tell me when He is displeased in a stern voice. Nor does He speak with the voice of a man to tell me if I have given Him joy or pain. I can, in my own mind, give Him a voice. This also lends to doubt.
     I can only 'hear' the promptings of God in the sounds of my own voice. My voice has steered me foul countless time. It is not to be trusted.
    Herein lies the majority of my confusion for doubt. God speaks to me in a voice that I lend Him. I must trust that what He is telling me in this made-up voice is right? It is true?
    I am human. I relate to all things in my humanity. I look for God in this first. I want His human-ness to speak to my human-ness.
     Yet, there is another plane to which I can relate. My spirit to His Spirit. I like to think of this as my secret room. The place where all is spoken in whispers. The wall are shrouded in thick, wispy, white gauze. A sparkle like the moonlight rippling on a lake appears with each soft breath. Every ready to be visited.
     God has spoken to me here often. Before there were things like bills, motherhood, and self abased humanity, He spoke with me.  I think back at the times when I  faithfully sought Him out. I would not look for Him elsewhere but here in this place, on this plane. How calm I was after. The plethora of stress would melt from me and I could breathe. I breathed the breath of freedom, of peace.
    This started my thinking.......
    Thinking....the whole problem! I try to validate God with my mind. With my human mind. I will win my argument against Him every time! There is too much evidence to prove against His very existence.
     If I search for Him with my spirit....ah! now I begin to feel and see more deeply. How could He not exist?! How could such blissful feelings of serenity be self-invoked? They can not! My humanity strives to comparison. I want to see how argument my compares to someone else's. Not when I am on the spirit's plane. I yearn for peace and it is granted when I am here.
     This is the moment when I realize God IS the place where my heart takes hope and all doubt fades in the presence of His Spirit. For now, the doubt is wiped away. It is no longer important whether God understands my needs, if He has my best interest. I know these things. I am not sure why, but just being one with Him, I just know.
     What will tomorrow bring? Will I remember to revel in the gauzy room or will I again doubt God and His meaning? It is a daily choice.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1